HITLER COSMETICS : Chemical Peels & High Heels (This is Cosmetic Terrorism)

alcoholiccunt @ 2004-07-17T03:59:00

2004-07-17T09:06:24Z

I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know where the fuck I should go from here. I can't stand people anymore, all I want to do is just fucking kill them all. No one cares about anyone but themselves and they don't give a fuck about anyone elses feelings. All I want to do is fucking die every 5 seconds I feel like breaking down and just going insane. I will just start crying at any time for whatever reason. What does it matter anyway. No one gives a shit, no one will even read this fucking entry anyway, so why do I bother writing anything? I know I'm a loser. I'm never perfect for anything or anyone. I'm not good enough I don't do anything right. I don't have a life, so wouldn't dying be just like it is right now? Whatever, I don't care about anything so what the fuck ever.

alcoholiccunt @ 2004-07-11T05:46:00

2004-07-11T10:48:19Z

Run away from all your boredom, run away from all your whoredom......

God damn, I must say that yes, indeed, this world is full of sluts. I mean, brimming over the top. It seems like all people want is to fuck. It's fucking pathetic and disgusting, all of these motherfuckers just want a piece of dick or ass, I want to shoot them.

ANTI-SLUT.

alcoholiccunt @ 2004-07-07T05:00:00

2004-07-07T10:20:23Z

It was a somewhat cathartic morning yesterday in the early am hours. I asked for help and cried on my floor while folding clothes that have been strewn everywhere in random piles. I have been feeling angry, sad, lost, alone and so on for a long time now. I'm supposed to be getting my life started now that I'm 18, but I feel like I'm not living, I'm just existing. It's a terrible way to feel, and I get upset a lot and feel like crying, but don't. I hate being in this city, in this state. I'm still crippled by my damn social anxiety and I can't take it anymore. Not like I ever could. I just want to live, be myself, and not become a quiet zombie everytime people are around me. I don't know where to go or what to do. It's like I'm standing in a desert and there is nothing but me and the sand. No signs or directions pointing out what to do. I haven't got a fucking clue. The only thing I do have a clue about is that I know there has been one thing I've been strongly believing in becoming. A musician. I write. Music is one of my main interests and loves in life. It's one thing that can express and convey to people feelings, messages, emotions and anything else you want to get through. It's the best way I could think of communicating myeslf to others. Some of my friendships have been somewhat lost. I've not had many friends, but the few I did sort of drifted off. Drugs or whatnot have distanced me from them because they are too consumed with their pathetic disillusioned highs and fake romances. If I'm going to be shuffled off to the side what's the point in trying to maintain it?

Ouch, does that hurt?

2004-07-02T11:47:47Z

I am posting a conversation that I was typing to Steve, even though he didn't respond. He thinks that I'm horrible because I speak my mind, and that I say "mean things". Well, I'll give you all a first-hand look at some of the things that I say, out of truthfulness, out of spite, and out of the fact that they need to be said. So here, enjoy my foul mouth and crude but cracky sense of humour/cynicality that you've all come to know and love so well. Steve, I hope you're reading this, and I hope that you take every one of my entries out of context like you always do, so that it fits your psychotic view of things. This is MY journal. This is a place where I post my feelings, my thoughts, my views, my angers, and whatever else I want, or is on my mind. You have no right to come at me for what I say or write. If you don't like this then don't fucking read it. You've never understood, and you never will. Sorry, but you need to grow up, and grow out of the wretched cocoon you've woven yourself into. You'll wind up living the rest of your life in a bitter haze and destroy anything good for yourself and or others. So get some help already, ok? See you in the next life.

HitlerCosmetics: ultrabusted, you megaslut nigger chink wanna be-spick cooica.
HitlerCosmetics: So tell me the story of Whore.
HitlerCosmetics: you know it well
HitlerCosmetics: are you gunna grow up and be a gay.com superskank like the rest of your fellow c-g'ing sluts?
HitlerCosmetics: ?
HitlerCosmetics: then you and kerri can be the couple of appleton
HitlerCosmetics: and carry out your sluttifying needs and distribute crabs and herpres to the entire population
HitlerCosmetics: yum yum, the sweet taste of lies, deceit, and cheating
HitlerCosmetics: then you'll be shocked with the bitter taste of lonliness, self deprivation and loathing because you lied not only to everyone but yourself, you can't be forgiven for all the damage you've done, so be done

Now isn't that lovely? If you don't want to be side-swiped by my harsh and bitchy words, then don't double-cross me, mother's. Tehe, I love you all.

Depressi! Episode No. 1, "The Depths of Despair".

2004-07-02T07:57:54Z

(We look in on the two youngsters Carey and Majin as they shop at Hot Topic)

Carey: "Eew, look at all these posers in here, god, don't they like know that this is our store, go back to Abercrombie or something."
Majin: "I know, I mean, they're not even wearing black or anything. That's so wrong."
Carey: "Ooh! Look at this wristband! It has one of our favorite bands, Good Charlotte on it!"
Majin: "You definitely have to get it! It'll make you even more goth than you already are."
Carey: "But, how is that possible? I mean, I wear an entire stick of black eyeliner on my eyes and lips, I have black hair, I wear everything black from hot topic for clothes....I'm just, the epitome of goth."
Majin: "Well, no one can be too goth, right? Just look at us."
Carey: "You're right, I'll take two wristbands then."
Majin: "I think I need to get some more black hair dye, my roots are showing, that's sooo un-gothy. I just hate having brown hair. It's so normal."
Carey: "I should get some more too.."

(They mope around the store for another hour complaining about life and how bad everything is)

Carey: "I better get back to my dark room and start being sad again"
Majin: "Good idea, let's go."

(Please remember that this is entirley fictional and intended for humor purposes only)

Glame. Mocess. The four walls of wonder. An article on what I, MC, hope to accomplish in life.

2004-07-01T05:50:40Z

Money, Success, Fame, Glamour. Those four words couldn't sum it up better for what I desire in my life and immediate and entailing future. While some people merely hope or half-heartedly wish for them, I desire, I burn, I writhe and scathe with the feeling that I must embody and obtain these things for myself. I do wish to be famous, I do wish to be glamourous, beautiful, successful, and rich. Who doesn't? Don't get me wrong, I'm not a person that wants to become some money-hungry, mediocre, stuck-up snob-grob celebrity who waltzes around with my nose held high up to the sun, and the motto across my forehead : "My shit doesn't stink". I am human just as the rest of the world, and I am a person. While as everyone is unique, I am also. I hope to leave a mark on this world and encourage people to look at things with a different view, feel emotions deeper, start accepting eccentricities and differences amongst everyone, banish prejudice and hatred. I hope to create things in life that other people can relate to, take something beautiful from, or just feel happy or comforted by. We have one life and I want it to be a wonderous one filled with many awesome experiences that I can learn from. I want to share my work with others. I want to prove to everyone that I am something, and that they shouldn't have said that I would fail, that I was a loser, that I would "just quit right away because I never finished anything". Just because I failed my classes in school doesn't mean I'm uneducated or stupid. Just because I don't have many friends or have social anxiety doesn't mean that I'm not a nice person that you should have regretted not getting to know. Just because all of my life people have put me down and made fun of me and made me feel about as worthless as the dirt everyone walks upon, doesn't mean I have an amazingly strong will and conscience that will overcome all of the hurt that was done to me, and I may rise above it all and become something amazing. I am a person, and I hope someday everyone will realize that I have so much to offer. My grandmother always told me to ignore those people that made fun of me and to just focus on my work because I was better than them. It was so hard for me to be motivated by things, because I was all alone. It's amazing how all of these people have raped me of what I once was. They've broken me down so far so that I feel this way. The crazy thing was that I just took it, and never fought back. So what do I do with this weight that I have inside of me. It keeps making me sink farther and farther down, when all I want to do is swim up to the light. When I was young I would run around naked screaming at the top of my lungs because it was fun, and it made me happy. That free spirit in me didn't last. Soon, I entered school, and everything changed. I can remember 1st grade, being alone and kids would barely talk to me. I just want to be free and happy again. I just love it how everyone can be so insensitive to a person for so long.
I hope my rough spot will end.

Photo-SHOOT, Car Crashed and Chemical Peeled.

2004-06-30T06:30:28Z

Take me back to 1984.

I'm white-washed over.

Dead face behind electrical wire.

alcoholiccunt @ 2004-06-29T05:20:00

2004-06-29T10:47:15Z

Last night Ashlee and I went to the underground tunnel by the golf course. We jumped down into the little stream, and only got a little ways in, but were too scared to walk all the way through. We kept hearing weird noises, and got scared. It smelled really rancid, and there were disgusting spiders everywhere, so that didn't help. We're going tomorrow since it will be light out. The spiders and bugs freak me out, so I don't know. Plus the tunnel splits and gets smaller as you go. It'll be an interesting thing to do though. I'm kind of tired, but I have to stay awake for I have a counseling or whatever you'd like to call it appointment at 10 am. Plans for the weekend: I either leave Friday afternoon or Saturday for the cabin up north. I'll be gone until July 6th. No computer access I believe, unless my grandmother has left her laptop up there, but I'm betting not so I won't be able to post any lovely entries for 6 days. It will just be the woods and I. I'm glad to get away from the city and everyone. I wish it could be for longer...This summer has been the most boring, uneventful one yet. And the weather has been really shitty, which really makes it worse since the damn state never gets nice weather until summer and it only lasts three months.

Pictures from this morning:

http://djspark.com/uploaded/188012693591.bmp

http://djspark.com/uploaded/572128769003.bmp

http://djspark.com/uploaded/660960970166.bmp

I'm sick of........Everything.

2004-06-28T03:06:54Z

I hope you're happy now.

Self Injury

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In my travels on the web and as a volunteer who answers emails for Mental Health Sanctuary, I have come across an increasing number of people, mostly women, who self-harm. It is estimated that up to 3 million Americans injure themselves, double 1997's figure. I believe it is the increased knowledge of mental disorders, including personality disorders, and their origins that have caused more people to come forward and seek help for their self-injurious behavior.

Shelly, a young woman from Alabama, writes, "When I would cut, I would feel relieved, and when the blood was flowing it was like my pain was being released, it was like it was the way my body 'cried'. I often cut in situations that it would then be possible for me to get attention from others around me in. This I have come to know was my need to be nurtured. It was also about my need to control others and my environment when I was so out of control myself. I did not even know that what I was choosing to do in cutting was a) a choice and b) a result of my feeling vulnerable and out of control."

Much has been written about borderline personality disorder, and the traumas that lead up to it. Cutting often begins in adolescence. In the past, the typical "cutter" has come from an abusive or neglectful home, or has lost a parent at a young age, or has been raped or sexually abused.

Shelly began cutting herself in college. "Firstly, I began to cut as a means of soothing my aggravated feelings for which there was no connected feeling and virtually no conscious understanding for years. I began to cut around the age of 17, when I left home and was in College. I was living in a dorm and was extremely stressed and unable to cope with all of the people I lived in close quarters with.

"I cut, usually with razor blades and there were times where I would break glass and basically gouge myself with it. Many times the latter efforts required stitches.

"When I would cut I would be so stressed, so agitated, and feel so overwhelmed and helpless, though for years the only 'feeling' I could identify was ANGER, I knew I was angry and that I was very agitated.

"I didn't know that I was as detached from my feelings and indeed myself as it turns out I now know I was.

"I was not able to cry. I was not particularly into journaling. I would not talk to people about my problems. If I was forced to talk to anyone I would lie about stuff. Half the time I wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't. I had no idea how to be personally responsible for myself, my feelings, my pain or how to meet any of my own needs. I used people and I hurt people and I hurt myself."

Shelly gave up self-injury on her own. She writes, "I thought about what I should do to feel better. I was feeling very impulsive and having many many impulses to 'act out' majorly. But, I kept crying. Finally I was sitting there talking to myself and what I ended up saying that was the precursor to much change was, 'Why do you want to hurt yourself some more, again, YOU HURT ENOUGH ALREADY' And with those words I got up and composed myself, got on my bike and made sure I made it home safely. This in retrospect was me beginning to get in touch with all of my pain and grief, looking inward instead of reflecting all that was going on inside outward to the world around me.

"I believe that we all live so much closer to the awareness of what we need and what we need to do for ourselves then we often realize. The answers were inside of me, and they are likely inside of you right now too. Remember, if we want to achieve different results, we have to make new, different, healthier choices.

"I did not ever cut after that day again. The night I just described was a fall night in 1988, and I was 31 years old. It was a very big beginning."

A treatment program for self-injury, thought to be the only specialized, inpatient program of its kind, is Self Abuse Finally Ends (SAFE) in Berwyn, Illinois. There is no coddling. The program rejects common notions about how self-injurers should be handled -- with restraints, sedatives, and constant supervision.

In an article appearing in the February, 2001 issue of JANE magazine, cofounder Karen Conterio says, "We don't what patients to find the child within. We want them to find the adult and move on."

Self-injury scares family members. A growing number of teens who are still minors are placed out-of-home by parents who are afraid of them, who do not understand the behavior, and who issue an ultimatum to stop the self-injury or not come home.

Rather than share shocking, grisly tales of their self-injury, SAFE Alternatives therapists believe such talk incites and glorifies self-injury and prohibits such conversations.

I have received numerous emails from young women whose self-injury relates to their untreated or undertreated bipolar disorder.

"I was desperately depressed," Caroline writes, "but my thoughts were racing such that I couldn't keep up. I had just been hospitalized for depression and my meds were changed. I don't know what happened but I went for a walk in the cold and snow. I stopped behind a bridge where I could think. I took a pocket knife out of my pocket and started running it up and down my leg, outside my jeans. I slowly moved it so the sharpest point of the blade was against my calf. As I moved it in slowly and the blood started rushing down to my shoes, I started to feel relief. I twisted it slowly, and unexpectedly it slipped and I stabbed myself up to the hilt."

Terrified, Caroline threw the pocket knife into the creek below and started walking, no limping, toward the hospital several blocks away. By the time she got there, her temperature had dropped to 94.8 and she had paled from the loss of blood.

"I don't think I will do that again," she says, "I will call a therapist, write in a journal, something...but it scares me that I got so much relief from the cut and the bleeding."

While Conterio from SAFE Alternatives says, "we think that self-injury is not a disease, it's a choice," most mental health professionals see it as a symptom of borderline personality disorder, depression, or another mental illness and struggle to treat it effectively. Didactic dialogue therapy, at the edge of treatment for borderline personality disorder, has been used with some success. Also, developing and using self-calming activities helped Shelly stop self-harming.

She writes, "Coming to understand myself, developing my own identity and coming to accept myself for who and what I am has helped me not only stop all self-harming behaviours but it has also helped me to be able to relate and better connect in a healthy way to others without devaluing them, without putting them on a pedestal and without seeing them in a black or white, good or bad way. When you can accept yourself, you will be kinder to yourself, you will learn to love yourself and you will then be able to accept others for who they are...You do not have to self-harm to survive. "

With balance between better coping skills and choices, and treatment for the underlying mental health disorders, there is hope for the millions of people who self-injure.

For three free online issues of McMan's Depression and Bipolar Weekly, email me and put "Sample" in the heading and your email address in the body.

Behavior articles All articles

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This article first appeared on Suite101.com - Mental Illness in Families and Society, and is reproduced by the kind permission of the author, Amy Hillgren Peterson. You can check out her topic here, and her remarkable memoir of coming of age and bipolar, Elusive Butterfly, here and order it from Amazon.com here.

For some practical tips on avoiding self-harm, check out this page on Depression: An Unknown Evil.

For a self-injury support site, RuinYourLife.com, with lots of articles, click here.

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Discussions

Secret Girl (April 7, 2003): Tonight I have reached the level again....the need and the desire to "cut" again. The last time I did this was 2 years ago and I promised myself I wouldn't do it again. Here I am again. It seems so much easier to visualize the pain on the outside than the inside. It is so much easier to see the outside wound heal and focus on it rather than on the pain and the wound on the inside. I can only hope that I too will someday be able to overcome this. I have given myself so many bruises, cuts and scars so that I can "see" them heal in hopes that it is healing the inside. Please pray that I too will overcome this obstacle. I am a very successful woman in the business world and the thought of anyone knowing I could be the least bit "weak" is terrifying to me. I hope to someday overcome this fear. Thank you for your honesty.

Livingadream (Aug 7, 2003): What can I say, everything in that article said everything I have felt. I'm only 16 and I've been through the wanting someone to save me but I haven't been to any doctors and i only take meds from friends. It's like I want someone to swoop down and save me from all my fear, pain, and confusion. but I don't want to attract attention to myself. I don't want to be labeled as a kid with psychiatric problems. I just want to be a kid.

Omegasis (Oct 8, 2003): Thank you for the article on self-injury, mostly because it is actually an article instead of pages of explicit self-injury pics as found on most cutting websites. I was first diagnosed with depression about a year ago, and then bipolar recently...and I mean recently, it was yesterday. Though I have not cut (or burned myself) for about a month now, the temptation still haunts me on daily basis. Unlike a lot of self-injurers I don't like the scars. Mostly because I don't want to be asked about it and don't want to have to keep track of lies. If I had it my way I would be able to cut and heal perfectly, release anger and frustration on myself, heal, start all over again. Dislike of scars is not the primary reason for my attempts to stop cutting. I've come to realize that cutting serves no purpose except to VERY temporarily ease overpowering emotions, something that can be done with much safer and effective means. With all that said, I still have so much to learn about being bipolar and am sure that I have many more obstacles to overcome in the future. My only hope is that I can find the strength to not reach for the scissors or blade, instead, work on healing in a constructive manner.

T Carrion (Oct 20, 2003): This was a good article for me because I can identify with it. For me, self injury started when I was a small child. (seven or eight) No one had to see me; I would just bang my head, fists or pull my own hair from frustration. I didn't start cutting until much later. I think it came from a constant stream of not being heard, paid attention too or having any say in my own life. Mom was very harsh on us and dad was emotionally battered. We were on our own and stuck in neutral.

Now I realize how serious this was since I have a bipolar child who will do the same when he is conflicted inside. I have to be careful with him, make sure not to jump to conclusions, listen carefully and not take his first reactions too personally. This is very hard for me since I am bipolar myself. People can't understand how desperate it can be to let go of rage, frustration and overstimulation. You get to a point where you want to release it, or else you might drowned in an ocean of your own nightmarish thoughts. Just for a moment you reach for that release by scratching, cutting, or beating yourself up. It helps to calm those feelings by hurting yourself and most of the time I can't feel it physically but the emotional pain is not as powerful.

No Name Girl (Nov 24, 2003): I can relate to what people are saying about self injury. i have done that to my self on many occasions. it just felt right at the time a pressure had been lifted. what i did not realize i was hurting my family do you have any info on bipolar tendencies and other ares of depression please if you do email them to me at aclutz@hotmail.com thank you

NasheaMinx (Nov 25, 2003): Thanks for posting this. I can relate and still have trouble on occasion with wanting to cut. I have not since March 2003. After being hospitalized because of it. But the reason people continue cutting is because it gives that temp relieve and they can't find a way out of that cycle. I try every day, hour, min to just not do it and I've managed. I hope every one out there with the same issues can do the same for themselves.

Stephanie (Dec 11, 2003): I have never read about any people who self-abuse but I am glad I found this article. I have hurt myself on and off for the past eight years. I do not cut myself but I have literally beat myself up to the point of blacking my eyes. I have been so ashamed of this behavior. I have done these things at extremely emotional times or so they seemed at the time. I have been diagnosed with depression but I have never followed through completely with any of my treatments because I feel like am not really a person (like a robot) on the antidepressants. My husband has accused me of being bipolar a few times but a doctor has never mentioned it. I haven't hurt myself in about 7 months and that makes me feel hopeful. Like I said I am very ashamed of my behavior and I would love to get better. If you have any suggestions for me please let me know. I took the test you wrote about and I am ISFJ.

Nicole (Feb 5, 2004): I was just recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I've been looking up information on the internet, for quite some time now. But today it was different,...I found YOUR website. Like I said, I have been looking at various types of info. on the subject, but I had yet to find a website that would discuss cutting, or self mutilation. I am 17 years old, and I have been a cutter since I was 12. I am seeking professional help now, after trying to be independent for so long. I haven't cut in over a month...and that's pretty good, when you consider that I cut at LEAST once a day! And, in dealing with the "urge" on a daily basis, its good to hear about others dealing with the "forbidden topic of discussion." I like the openness here. I appreciate it, and I just had to tell every single one of the people that posted their most personal feelings on the internet.. a BIG HUGE thank you! Your words touched my heart, for they are my own words. Maybe we're not so alone after all, huh?

Amy (Feb 20, 2004): I have harmed myself quite recently but it's mostly nothing serious. I normally either use my nails or a compass, or I bend my finger back. When I was younger, I used to hit myself on the head. I have occasionally used a razor but that scared me and I promised myself I'd never do it again. My family and some of my friends know I self-harm, and my Mum especially has tried to help me, but she doesn't really understand. I hurt myself when I feel frustrated, or out of control, or that everyone is against me. I see it as a way of releasing the tension and anger I'm feeling. It makes me feel strong, and more in control of myself and my life. It does bother me a bit because I have scars up my arm and on my hands, but I haven't really got any other way of making myself feel better.
It has helped me reading what other people have said, because I know I'm not alone, and other people are going through the same things.

Amy (Feb 21, 2004): I sit up here, all alone in my bedroom,
Trying to fight the urge that is building up inside me.
The anger and frustration build up inside me,
Like water, like blood.
Tonight has been the same as many other nights,
The shouting, the tears,
The emotions growing too powerful to control,
Until they've almost taken over.
I look around at the familiar space,
Searching for a way to relieve the pain I'm feeling.
I won't give in, I won't resort to that again,
I am strong,
I mustn't give in to my demons,
Although they're flying round and round my brain,
Making me feel sick and dizzy,
Making me want to die.
If I died, would anyone really miss me?
Would they really care that I am not around?
They want me to die,
That's why they're making my life impossible to live.
I want to die,
it won't be hard,
I'll just find that knife that is in the kitchen,
And then I'll finally be happy,
Where no-one can reach me,
Where I'll be safe from the demons in my world.

Caroline (May 29, 2004): When I read the self-injury article, I understand the constant battle with myself not to turn my anger inward.

For example, I fight with myself not to eat sugar. When I eat sugar, I know that effects me and I cannot stop. In the morning, I am depressed. This feeling overrides my bipolar medications.

Another way, I fight with myself is to avoid practicing the piano too much; sometimes, I am driven to practice to exhaustion. Before a lesson, organ juryor performance, this is not a good idea.

Another behavior is the intake of caffeine. I know that if I have too much caffeine I become depressed. I drink caffeine so that I do not eat. It is a vicious cycle.

Well, these are my vices and sometimes I just want to get them out of my system when the stresses of life are too much to handle.

My positive behaviors are to compose music, write poetry, paint oils, talk, play the organ and piano. I also am letting my hands heal because of inflammed artiritis and when my back and legs hurt I lie down occasionally.

My greatest gift is to pray the "Hail Mary". Also, within the context of bipolar, I have seen Christ and Mary and am aware that those visual and auditory experiences sustained me from age sixteen to age forty-six, as I was diagnosed with bipolarity four years ago.

Whoever reads this, please know there is hope for you and seek professional help.

One of the greatest sources has been McMan's Website.

Watch my eyes come alive.

2004-06-24T03:58:58Z

I'll never be you.

Tomorrow I'm going down to Milwaukee to Summerfest. We're leaving a little late because Liz Phair doesn't come on until 11 pm. On Friday I have an appointment to get my lip pierced. I'm not sure if I want to do my lip though. I've wanted to, but I don't know if I'll be satisfied with what it looks like. Guess I'll just have to wait and see. I suppose the pain is worth it.

In the meantime, I need to devise a plan to find a job that will allow me to have my piercings, and at least look somewhat how I normally do. I want to start taking guitar lessons, and I don't know if my mother will be up for paying for them. If anyone knows a good guitar teacher in Appleton, let me know. I'm also trying to write more, whether it be journaling, or poetry or just thoughts or sentences or phrases. I want to start honing my writing skills. I'm considering taking up some form of education on it later on. I'm totally fucking serious about writing music and songs. If I have to do this by myself then I will, because this is what I want to do. It's so dull and drab around here. I am so bored all the time. I don't really have many friends, and there aren't any decent people around here to meet and hang out with. I guess that's a sign that I should get my shit together and move on out of Wisconsin sometime in the near future. After I save up money, and figure out what I'm going to do, or become.

My Art. (Art Star)

2004-06-23T02:26:16Z

~~slit~~

"Do you wanna stay in bed all day?"
-"Yeah!"
"Do you remember feeling any other way?"
-"NO!"

What do you want from me? You could give me a list of things to do, and if I did them for you would it make you happy? Would you never put me down again? Would you never bitch at me? Would everything be fine?

I don't believe it would. Because unless we hold the will to change, how is it possible to just switch from being one way to another?
Glass isn't fragile. But it breaks. And when it breaks, the pieces that are smashed are many, and they are small. It would be hard to glue all of those pieces back perfectly into place. Well, I hold the belief that one day, my mirror is going to fall, and I think that when it breaks, those pieces are going to be so small that you'll never find them again. I have dealt with verbal abuse. I've dealt with mental abuse. Even a little physical, but nothing major. I've taken it. There is rage inside of me and I constantly feel it boiling. I'm irritable. VERY irritable. I'm annoyed. VERY annoyed. Hostile. Upset. Angry. I wouldn't be able to decide if my hands would be the death of myself, or someone else. I have somewhat of a hard time expressing my emotions. I feel like I can't just be myself. Why is it so hard? It's been a while since of cut myself, and I haven't intended to. I don't know how else to "cope" with everything. Nothing is going right. Nothing has gone right. Nothing is even going. Where am I? What am I doing here? I just want some fucking peace of mind, of body, of spirit. I am lonely, but when I'm around people I can't stand it and I want to be away from them. Everything is a contradiction. A negative and a positive. It will never meet peacefully, or without an opposition. It's weird how you can be so weak, yet so strong at the same time.
I wasn't meant for this world.

The Announcement of a new TV series.....Depressi !

2004-06-22T05:22:29Z

R and I have decided to start up our own show called Depressi. It's a spin-off of Degrassi. We'll have periodical episodes throughout the summer. It's going to feature alcoholic teens, who sit around and bitch about how shitty everything is and how much they hate it all. Sounds quite lovely, doesn't it? We'll have guest appearances by Hot Topic "goths" who cut themselves with safety pins, little teenage kids that experiment with smoking cigarretes, and the usual pathetic endeavors of dumb wanna-be non-conforming conformists.

Coming Soon......

YOU MAKE MY SHITLIST.

2004-06-22T03:57:24Z

Since I'm usually in a hostile and angry mood, I shall give some rants about things that really are bothering me. People are getting so horrendous at driving it's not even funny. There should be a new law passed making us retake our test every couple of years. People drive like shit, no wonder there are so many accidents and deaths.

MY SHITLIST:
Liars, drugs, two-facedness, shit-talkers, assholes, egos, attitudes, sluts, users,
poseurs, people who are so stupid and annoying you want to kill them, using sympathy to gain or get things, people who can't stand up for themselves, idiots, nazis, close mindedness, people who say they're gay and aren't, stereotypical homos, stereotypes, diseases, having to deal with this world, money, alarm clocks, getting woken up from a good dream, getting stuck in traffic, pollution, wiggers, fear.

There is much more that I could add, and I will, but for now this is what has popped into my mind while writing.

I HATE FAST-FOOD BUSINESSES AND THEIR CORPORATE SLOB NAZI BRAIN WASHING NIGGERS! DOWN WITH GREASE!

2004-06-21T22:52:08Z

Ok, I seriously do not like fast-food chains and they're disgusting sleazy advertising and unhealthy food and corporate pigs making millions of dollars off of selling pathetic centimeter slices of meat and repulsive deep-fried food to people and killing them slowly. Not only do they pay shitty wages, the environment of the places and the sickening uncleanliness of it all. Join me in the fight against them all.

(Here's a snippet of a conversation with my friend R, who is an employee at Burger King. No offense R, I love ya but I hate the fast food.)

DeELyIsUMaD: today i had to train with this chick named debbie...she's got like nasty brownish greyish hair, and her front teeth are rotted out of her skull. it's sickk.
Skrog La Da: lol, that sounds like someone id want to make my food.
Skrog La Da: god....i hate fast food chains.
Skrog La Da: sory.
Skrog La Da: nothing against you
DeELyIsUMaD: well, seriously...you'd see how it is if you worked back there.
Skrog La Da: i know but i just hate those places.
Skrog La Da: theyre stupid cunts.
Skrog La Da: ask stevey, he worked ina bunch of them
Skrog La Da: and managed
DeELyIsUMaD: it's just like eating food at home...everything is frozen (meats, chicken, etc..) and the fix'ns and stuff are all fresh..
Skrog La Da: blegh.
Skrog La Da: yeah and then deep fried in 1000 calories of fat and grease
Skrog La Da: soooo healtthy.
DeELyIsUMaD: and the fries are frozen. but the friers are cleaned alot..
Skrog La Da: clogged arteries by the time youre 18.
Skrog La Da:
DeELyIsUMaD: no, the chicken and the burgers are grilled.
Skrog La Da: hmm, nice scheme.
DeELyIsUMaD: no, they actually are.
Skrog La Da: ive hea.
Skrog La Da: tbrainwashing!!
Skrog La Da: i must save you!
Skrog La Da:
Skrog La Da: release this child from the devils of grease!!
DeELyIsUMaD: lol.
Skrog La Da: how much do you get paid
DeELyIsUMaD: 5.30 an hour.
DeELyIsUMaD: but i work alot of hours.
Skrog La Da: omg, now im really going to have to exorcise you from their filthy grease hell.
DeELyIsUMaD: ...a week, and you get paid every two weeks, i think.
Skrog La Da: good, now you have the inside scoop so we can infiltrate their business.
Skrog La Da: lets wreak havoc on them.
Skrog La Da: we can be secret guerilla warfare niggers against fastfood.
Skrog La Da:
DeELyIsUMaD: lol, today, when i was grilling and Angus beef and stuff, i wants to just pick it up and eat it..it actually looked realllly good.
Skrog La Da: omg
Skrog La Da: brain brain
Skrog La Da: theyre washing it
Skrog La Da: i knew it
Skrog La Da: they put shit in it so that when people eat it they become zombies and addicted
Skrog La Da: ill save you dont worry
DeELyIsUMaD: bullshit, it's not even nasty...the one of Main St. is nasty.
Skrog La Da: omg you even have the corporate competetive behaviour!!
Skrog La Da: i must save you now!
DeELyIsUMaD: dogshit, stop your bitching.
Skrog La Da: see?
Skrog La Da: oh no..youre almost too far gone
Skrog La Da: but i know the real riley is in there somewhere
Skrog La Da: just waiting to burst out
DeELyIsUMaD: then if you don't like it...don't ever let me see you eat anything there...that includes Taco Bell and KFC and all the fast food shit.
Skrog La Da: i aint.
Skrog La Da: nigger you hatin oh shit they totally got you
DeELyIsUMaD: 'cause if you do, i'm going to pick on you so much because of you pickin' on me.
Skrog La Da: i aint pickin im trying to unwash your brain to save you, dearie!
DeELyIsUMaD: my brain isn't washed, dearie.
Skrog La Da: ill save you

Greetings from the cavern of the Hermit.

2004-06-21T05:51:39Z

I went to a fratboyish/redneck bonfire out in the country last night. Got pretty drunk. They all left and we got to sit around inside their house while they were gone. I don't think they liked us, but I don't care, they were fuckers. I blasted L7 out of the speakers. But, I was really sick today, I puked a lot and had a bad headache. I'm getting tired of drinking. I have been for a while. But I don't know why I always seem to want to resort to getting drunk, to make things better?
I'm a dreamy person, too far detached from this world, and the "reality" of everyone else.
I feel like Thora Birch in the movie "Ghost World". By that, I'm saying she's in a limbo because she doesn't know what she needs or wants to do. She's just finished High School and is stuck.
Rebecca: "It's so weird that we're out of high school, we've been wating for this day like our whole lives."
Enid: "It hasn't really hit me yet."
I thought I wanted to become a make-up artist, but now I'm not sure of anything. I don't know what I want to be, where I want to go. I feel so far away from everyone. Like on another planet that you can't get to. I hate this society, these people. I want to crawl into a different universe.

alcoholiccunt @ 2004-06-19T12:49:00

2004-06-19T17:55:02Z

Last night was my gurl J's 18th birthday. Her and Olivia came to Steve's and we sat around watching Beavis and Butthead and had some drinks. Of course Steve was being a usual asshole to me, and then we decided to go to Eldorados (adult party store) to celebrate J's new freedom. So when we get there we argue and he starts bitching and yelling and winds up leaving us there. Thankfully, our friends Dominica, Cassie and Carly were there so she gave us a ride to Olivias, where we stayed up and watched Baby Boy. I'm obviously more than tired of this repetative treatment that's being done to me. It's funny how he sais he "loves me so much", yet he treats me like shit all the time. I can never be happy around him because he ruins it. It's like walking on those egg-shells all the time, and never knowing what he'll freak out about this time. Plus I have to deal with him lying to me and going behind my back and trying to get together with guys all the time. I've seen so many emails and conversations he has with guys online, it's not even funny. I even found out about him trying to pursue a co-worker behind my back, and telling him that I was his nephew. It's disgusting. And he sais I'm childish and that it's always me, my fault for everything. He's such a pussy he can't even be a man and accept his faults and mistakes.
I hope you're reading this Steve.

The Return of the Killer Bug.

2004-06-17T22:21:06Z

"The House Centipede can be quite unnerving because with it’s 15 pair of long legs, it appears quite large. That fact along with their speed has startled many people."

The house centipede is often seen darting across floors at high speed, occasionally stopping suddenly and remaining motionless for some time before racing off once more.

So last night around the same time that scary, huge disgusting bug came dashing across the floor, and into the bathroom. I freaked out and woke Steve up and made him find the fucker and sprayed his ass with bug killer. That thing was nastay. It gave me a heart-attack.

This is what it was :

http://www.doyourownpestcontrol.com/centiphouse.jpg

http://www.uark.edu/depts/entomolo/museum/Cent100b.jpg

http://www.ento.okstate.edu/ddd/Images/housecentipede.jpg

alcoholiccunt @ 2004-06-16T23:35:00

2004-06-17T04:41:36Z

Well, I went on a nice little drive through the country and small little towns. You know the ones where everyones at the softball game and people are sitting on their porches drinking beer and smoking a cigarette. I peed behind a mausoleum. Forgive me.
Anyhow, I thought today was pretty nice. Steve gave me bubbles before we headed off on our little venture. I had fun with those bubbles. But anyhow, fast forward to tonight. He's turns into an asshole again and bitches at me for numerous things. Cooking the pizza on the cardboard. Being on the computer. Watching "stupid kid programs" on t.v. Being a "bitch". Doing this. Doing that. He is such a fucking jerkoff to me so much. Then he accuses me once again of cheating on him online with guys. God how repulsive and pathetic. I'm so over this bullshit. He treats me like shit and expects me to be perfect for him and everything he needs. Whatever.

Uh hu hhuuh uuhuhu, yeeaah.

2004-06-16T06:53:42Z

Holy shit, I have never laughed so hard before. Well, when I watched Margaret Cho maybe, but yeah; Beavis and Butthead was sooo funny tonight. Holy shit. And then the video for violet came on it was fuckin hilarious. I love it.

Insectiphobia.

2004-06-14T05:50:07Z

Anyone wanna take my to Skinny Puppy this week? Please! I need to see Oghr.
Last night around about 2 am, I was watching the movie the House of Yes, when all of the sudden this long scary shadow thing came running across the floor. It was this giant long sick insect, I think it was a huge centipede or something like that. It ran into the heater, and I can't find it. I shut the bedroom door and stuffed the bottom crack with a towel, just in case, when I went to bed. I also slept with the light on. I woke up a million times at 7 and kept checking the floor for bugs. It's driving me insane. I can't find that fucking thing and I keep thinking it's going to run out again and attack me. HELP! Get me an exterminator to get rid of the bugs.
Oh yeah, and I have a cold and my throat is sore it hurts soo much.
Help help me with all my ailments!!

alcoholiccunt @ 2004-06-05T14:53:00

2004-06-05T19:54:05Z

Hi. I puked today. Twice.

I have intuitive visions.

2004-05-28T05:23:45Z

There is something more after life. But, for now I still cannot stand what people are and what they've created.

Happy Happy Birthday, Baby...

2004-05-20T21:21:11Z

Yess!! Tomorrow I'm 18, legal! I'm making jello shots tonight for myself. I'm so ready. I'm going to milwaukee to get my makeup done and then seeing Orgy later on that night. I can't wait!

Lol, this is what I am....
http://www.mnsi.net/~jbabcock/patit.jpg

alcoholiccunt @ 2004-05-13T22:12:00

2004-05-14T03:17:31Z

Ahhahha, I hate everyone. I have more respect for nonexistent things than people.
And on a lighter note, it's only one week until mine, and Jeffrey Dahmers birthday.
Hip, hip, hoo-ray.
I'll officially be 18, an adult in our disgusting society. Therefore, I can then buy porno, cigarettes, vote, and I have to register for the draft. But it's ok because I'M A FAGET and I like getting fucked in the ass so they won't need me. Ahahahaaaaaaaaaaa, yeah.
I had quite a nice dinner at Victorias in Green Bay tonight, and I just rented a movie called, "God is great and I'm not" with Audrey Tautou. She's so cute. I loved her in Amelie so I'm sure this movie will be fun.
Earlier in the day I watched Helter Skelter, the movie about the Manson family and murders. Loved it.

So what's your Diag-nonsense?

2004-05-13T00:44:24Z

SO....Today I went to the doctor/therapist and he talked with me and he told me he thought I was...... ( )